I was praying while driving back to the house this afternoon - feeling down about events this past year. "God, this can't be Your will...Well, it's obviously Your will to allow it...so I guess passing through this IS Your will...But when are You going to set things right?" And suddenly the "ground" under me was a bit more solid. Because if it is within His will, then there isn't failure; it's not the end of the story. He didn't give me any indication how or when He would bring something of value out of this; but the realization that this was within His permissive will made a difference.
The second movement in my prayer had to do with the thoughts that have come to me repeatedly these past weeks: "Give up. Stop struggling like this. Why do you 'stay'?" And the answer that came from within, very matter-of-factly, was "Because He wants me to." No emotion to it, no passion in it. At the deepest part of me though, there He is. He is my reason for being...I love Him. And its not flowery; there's no sweetness right now. But there is commitment - there is Love. I feel frazzled and so self-centered with all my concerns, but somehow the Holy Spirit has managed to plant this seed deep down, to lay this foundation. Isn't this exactly what St. Paul wrote about though? "The love of God has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit" (Romans 5:5). What MERCY - God enabling us to Love Him! If He hadn't, a weak heart like mine would have given out long ago.
My prayer for us in this new year - "God, let this foundation You laid in us through Baptism endure. Clear away whatever we've built on it that isn't of You. Let us have the peace of trusting in You, trusting in this good future You have planned."